Continuing My Early Faith Story

We have each experienced milestones in our lives, events that give rise to radical change in our outlook on life. In my first posting, I shared with you about my early spiritual life and values up to the time I was baptized.  In this posting I would like to continue with my faith story during my early post-baptismal years. 

When I was twenty-seven years old, I remember reading an article in a business magazine called:  “Career Success!  Personal Failure!”  It was an article about the dilemma experienced by many people in business pursuing a career for the purpose of attaining success, recognition, achievement and financial security.  The author of this article pointed out that despite the successes of many people in accomplishing their goals, they nevertheless continued to feel that they were failing.  They continued to carry, within themselves, a sense that something was missing from their lives.  

When I read this article, it related so much to what I was feeling.  Although I was fairly successful with my career, and accomplished many of the things that I set out to do, I was still unhappy and very dissatisfied with myself.  The things that I desired and thought would fulfill both my outer and inner needs were failing me, and left me with this question as to what I might be doing wrong.  Although this was a painful concern at the time, I see now that much good came from this time of trial.  It's only when we feel the pain of the moment that we have the courage to look within ourselves and admit that something is wrong. The pain I felt gave me the courage to begin to look at my beliefs, to examine their source, and then to make the necessary changes that would lead in a more positive direction.  This discernment would eventually change the direction of my life, and lead me into areas not previously imagined.

Growing up farm was a great place to be as a child; however, our family did suffer financially.  My early life witnessed this struggle, particularly with my parents, who worked very hard, but had trouble making ends meet.  Although these were happy years, I did receive a lot of reminders, particularly from my mother, about the importance of education, and pursuing a career, and having a secure job. 

When I finished high school, I approached my career and early working life with a deeply engrained belief that my happiness and well-being depended principally upon what I could accomplish for security.  This was what I believed, and this is what I pursued.  And it really took me by surprise, several years later, to discover that all of those things I was accomplishing did not bring the happiness that I expected.  

In writing this, I am not suggesting that there is anything wrong with success, recognition, achievement or financial security.  Gerald May, in his book “Will and Spirit” stresses that the wholeness we seek is comprised of two needs; our need for meaning and purpose, and the need for belonging and love. 

Meaning and purpose in life will result from moments of success, recognition and achievement.  There is a sense of mission and growth that we experience from our efforts in this area.  However, if our primary focus and attention is only in that area, then we may sub-consciously deny the fact that that we also have as great a need for belonging and love.   Without the fulfillment of this latter need, our lives will feel incomplete on another level.  

In my mid twenties, I did not know this.  I was beginning to discover that, although my efforts were bearing fruit in one way, in other ways they were failing.  The pain of this experience was for me Providence’s way of saying that a change was necessary.  I needed to begin to take the time from my preoccupations with success, and make some shifts that would lead to a feeling of greater wholeness. 

My search brought me too many exciting authors who spoke to me through their books.  The one who had the most impact at me at this young age was John Powell SJ.  His light psychological approach to dealing with relationship issues

appealed to me as I gobbled up his books:  “He Touched Me”, “Why Am I Afraid to Tell You Who I Am”, “Reason to Live Reason to Die”, “The Secret of Staying in Love”, “Fully Human Fully Alive” and the list goes on.  It was through these books that I discovered I had difficulty in loving.  Although I was growing in awareness of the importance of love, and loving relationships, it became increasingly clear to me that what I understood in my head was not as strong in my heart. Inside, I experienced a deep sense of isolation and alienation that kept me at a distance from others. I was functioning well in my working relationship, a good listener to other people’s concerns, but revealed little about myself.  I thought that if anyone knew who I really was inside, (the darkness, fear, and doubt) I would be immediately rejected.  Therefore, it was best to keep such things to myself.  

Fortunately for me, my faith was growing stronger, and I began to turn to God to seek a path that might lead me away from my painful dilemma.