Cosmic Christ - Fr Laurence Freeman

There is a level of relationship with Jesus where we come to see Him as the cosmic Christ. We begin to see that Jesus is at work everywhere.

First of all, we see Him in other people, at first perhaps in our Christian friends and Christian community. That’s the importance of Church. We reflect Jesus to each other; we share with each other what we have experienced of Jesus. We begin to build up a picture that this isn’t just my little Jesus who I’ve got in my pocket, but that this personal relationship with Jesus is a community relationship too. This might be a little bit challenging to us because we tend to be possessive about love. We want to be loved exclusively. We think that if anyone loves us, then they shouldn’t love anyone else. And if they love me and somebody else, that means they’re not giving me all their love. So we get jealous and possessive. But as we grow up, we learn what love means. The nature of love is that it is completely personal. We can be loved completely and uniquely, but not exclusively.

So we begin to see that this love we have with Jesus is also a cosmic thing, and it isn’t restricted to the church either. We can’t be possessive about Jesus and say that He only works in the Church. He works in different ways in different places. We begin to recognize that the Holy Spirit doesn’t work just in the Church or among Christians.

In other words, our hearts and minds begin to expand. We begin to grow. Usually the heart grows first and the mind has to stretch afterwards. This is what we are facing today; a great challenge to the Church as we enter into dialogue with other religions. This is a new, historical moment because Christians have never been in this kind of relationship with other religions before.

Most of us can remember the days when we used to think that if you weren’t Christian you were damned, more or less. Maybe this did not make total sense to people, but it was the mind-set of the time. 

That is no longer the teaching of the Church. The Church, according to the 2nd Vatican Council, rejects nothing that is true and holy in other religions. The present Pope has urged Christians to enter into dialogue, and deep spiritual dialogue, with other faiths. But that poses lots of questions. What is the uniqueness of Jesus? Is Jesus the only way to salvation? These are the questions that we will now have to listen to. We have to work out new theological language, new ways of thinking. Our encounter with the religions of the East do not threaten our Christian faith, but it challenges us to grow and to find new ways of expressing the mystery of Christ. This is the great new era we’re moving into. This is where the cosmic Christ begins to emerge.

Also, in the past, this cosmic Christ was often thought of as an emperor sitting on his throne, reducing everybody else, putting everybody else down. But this is not the meaning of the cosmic Christ. The Cosmic Christ is not an imperialist Christ. But often on the past, Christianity became an imperialist religion; not very true to the teaching and humility of Jesus.

The cosmic Christ does not mean an emperor. The cosmic Christ means as St Paul says in Cor. , “The secret is this: Christ within you, the hope of your glory to come.” The cosmic Christ is the inner Christ, recognized as being present in everyone else as well as yourself. When I see the Christ in me, in you, then I’m beginning to see the cosmic Christ.

In the Upanishads, there’s a beautiful description of the heart, the symbol of the inner temple. And it says:

“At the centre of the castle of Brahman, the human body, is
the heart; and in the deepest place of the heart, there is a
flame, the size of a thumb; and in that tiny space, are all the
worlds, the whole universe, everything that is.”

So the Christ who dwells in us, in the deepest part of our
being, is our way into communion with everything that is; with
everyone and everything. 

The Cosmic Christ - Fr. Laurence Freeman Spiritual Director for World Community of Christian Meditation

Movement Towards Stillness

“To Reach satisfaction in all

Desire satisfaction in nothing.

To come to possess all

Desire the possession of nothing.

To arrive at being all

Desire to be nothing.

To come to the knowledge of all

Desire the knowledge of nothing.

“The Ascent of Mount Carmel” The Collective Works of St. John of the Cross

When I first read these words of St. John of the Cross over forty  years ago, they rang of a truth, as have many similar expressions that I've heard over the years.  I was drawn to them as if they contained some deep revelation that would change my life.  However, at that time, I must admit, I did not have a very deep understanding of what they meant.  And for certain, I was not able to incorporate them fully into my life.  But reflecting on these words and many others like them, I have been led to an experience of grace that would exceed anything that I could possibly imagine at that time. What do these words mean to you?

There is a story of a ten-year-old boy who wanted to catch a Monarch butterfly.  These butterflies frequently were found in the field back of his house, fluttering from flower to flower.  So this morning, he set out with the intention of catching one.  As he walked in the field, he saw one at a distance, and he quietly approached the area where he saw it.  But before he could get close enough, the butterfly took off.  Again and again he pursued the colorful butterfly, and again and again, it would take off as soon as he approached it.  He tried outrunning the butterfly but with no success as it was quick to notice the boy’s advance, and dart out of harm’s way.  After an hour of chasing, the boy grew very tired, so he laid down on the grass to rest.  As he rested he closed his eyes and became very still.  When he opened his eyes, he was surprised to find a Monarch butterfly gently resting on his arm.

This simple story begins to explain the meaning of the often-quoted words of St. John of the Cross:

“To come to possess all, desire to possess nothing.”

We are all searching for those things in life that will provide what we believe is necessary for our happiness and well-being. The direction we take is most often preceded by a desire for something, a desire for someone who will fill our needs at that particular moment.  It is this desire that moves us in the direction of our choice.  But I've discovered that some of the most important things we need and want cannot be obtained using the conventional approach.  This conventional approach involves our chasing or grasping after things, in order to possess them.  These things of which I am speaking are very elusive, like the butterfly.  They are things that we cannot take possession of by grasping them and holding onto them.  And yet, they are things that are very real and very important to us.  They are things that are life enhancing. They are things like peace and joy and love. In our search for these elusive needs, we must grow to realize that they cannot be attained following the conventional approach to acquiring things.  But they can become a part of our lives. 

People like St. John of the Cross have taught me that by simply being still, with my eyes closed, with my mind quiet, not desiring anything, a space is created within me where those elusive qualities of peace, joy, love, and yes, even God, become very real.  They gently come and rest in the centre of my being bringing with them the very thing the heart desires.  They come, not as something to be acquired and possessed, but as gift.

Is this not part of God’s plan put together so brilliantly to bring us into relationship with Him and with others?  But it is a part of God’s plan that is often hidden, particularly from those whose spotlight is constantly focused on “self”.  It’s in loving, that we are loved. It’s in giving joy to another and we ourselves experience joy.  

By being gently and quietly attentive to the stillness and silence within, we mysteriously begin to open to the experience of God love at the centre of our being. We are no longer chasing, grasping: We are waiting. Through this stillness and silence, we begin to shed the barriers and obstacles that prevent this love from being experienced. In mystery, through silence and stillness, God’s divine plan begins to unfold in our lives as we discover God’s hidden truths.

A New Year's Presentation at St. Anne's Group SVdP Parish

January is traditionally the time for new beginnings, fresh starts and new opportunities. The practice of making New Year's resolutions goes back over 3000 years. It is a time when people feel that they can begin anew with their lives. Common New Year's resolutions are to lose weight, exercise more and eat healthier; or to spend more time with family. Still others include managing money better and being more organized. For the Christian, the grace of being given another day, or God willing, a whole new year, stirs our deep gratitude. Although there is nothing in the Bible or notable in Christian tradition about NewYear's resolutions, many people take advantage of this time of year to become closer to the Lord. They may re-commit themselves to pray more, to read the Bible, or to attend Mass more regularly. If you are looking for some help in making your New Year’s resolutions, here are a few suggestions to get you started:

Practice gratitude – Cultivating a grateful heart is the hallmark of a Christian steward. Every day, express thankfulness to the Lord and to others. Seeing the good in your life will allow you to keep your heart compassionate and loving.

Encounter the Lord each day – Find time to be with the Lord each day, whether it be for an hour or ten minutes. Have a conversation with the Lord. Give your joys and worries to Him as well. Allow God's love to transform them. Our encounters will keep our eyes and ears open to the presence of Christ in our midst.

Be present to others – , Jesus himself instructed us, “Be compassionate as your Father is compassionate” (Luke 6:36). There is much celebration and mourning, joy and sorrow in peoples' lives. What a blessing it is to be able to share those times and not let others experience them alone. The gift of your presence to others is much more valuable than you realize.

Resist overwork – There is a pressure to produce, meet goals, be successful. But activities that lead us to overwork, constant fatigue and worry do not give glory to God. What God calls us to do we can do well. Be mindful that life requires balance, down time and letting go of unrealistic goals.

Nurture friendships – Our friends are those we choose to be with, those with whom we spend our evenings, with whom we vacation, to whom we go to for advice. Friends are gifts from God who give us a greater appreciation of God's love for us. Friends need our time and love.

Give more – Good stewards realize that everything they have is entrusted to them as gift to be shared. There is no better place to begin than sharing with the community that gathers around the Lord's table at Mass. Consider what you are giving to your parish and local diocese and commit to an even greater contribution as circumstances allow.

Make a difference in your parish community – Believe it or not, your parish community can use your talents. Offering your talents to your faith community is one of the most effective ways to feel useful and connected to others, and it is a potentially life-changing New Year's resolution.

Consider living more simply – We cannot find fulfillment in possessions. They add nothing to our self-worth. Jesus blessed the "poor in spirit" in his Sermon on the Mount; and Saint Francis of Assisi urged us to live with only what was necessary, for that is how we begin to find God.

Get healthy – Studies show that most people in North America are accelerating their own decline into premature old age, owing to poor diet and lack of physical activity. Be a good steward of your body. Plan a complete overhaul of your diet and exercise habits.

Don't give up – People give up their New Year's resolutions because of perfectionism and unrealistic expectations. So take it slow, be kind to yourself and keep trying. Resist the urge to throw your hands up and quit. You succeed through small, manageable changes over time.

Turn to the Lord – Ask the Lord for guidance, strength and perseverance in achieving your resolutions. In his letter to the Philippians, Saint Paul writes: "I can do everything through Him who gives me strength" (Phil 4:13). If God is the center of our New Year's resolutions, they have a better chance for success.

Meeting of St. Anne's Group At St. Vincent de Paul Parish, Dartmouth, N.S.

Further Along the Road Less Travelled

Sharing our own experiences of coming to faith and inner

awakenings are great ways to evangelize. After all, the Acts of the Apostles are full of stories of how God worked in the lives of the people of the early church. St. Stephen had a vision of Jesus sitting at the right hand of the Father, a vision that turned the Pharisees against him resulting in his death by stoning.

Saul, who was instrumental in Stephen’s death, would later have his own awakening on the road to Damascus on

his campaign of persecuting Christians. Hearing a voice from heaven, “Saul, why are you persecuting me”, he is knocked to the ground by a light so intense that it leaves him blind. From this experience, he would rise as one of the greatest Christian evangelizers in history. The unpredictable Peter shines in the Acts of the Apostles, healing as Jesus healed, preaching as Jesus preached, and dying as Jesus died. And the other rag tag disciples of Jesus would all grow to give witness, often with their lives, to their experience of Jesus bringing them to new awareness. When anyone places their life on the line to declare the truth of their experience, then it truly is a testament that the story is real.  

Are not our stories as important to this generation as the disciples stories were to theirs?  These stories are not so much a record of personal goals or achievements, but a witnessing to that mysterious power we each experience in our lives which, in the Christian tradition, we call the Holy Spirit. Do we not have to share this treasure we have discovered in clay pots so that it may be not lost?

So in my late twenties, as I expanded my reading and my prayer life, I often felt in my heart a longing for a deeper spiritual life, a longing to share or serve in some way. I would be driving along and listening to the car radio when suddenly it was there: This longing to be with God, to become immersed in His love and to give witness to His love, to somehow act this out in the stage of my own life. I developed a desire to express what I was experiencing in respect to my faith, but the expression of the experience was very difficult if not impossible to put into words. Yet, it had to find expression somewhere and somehow.

Two events would follow at this point in my life. First was the desire to receive the Sacrament of Confirmation.  Second, was the desire to serve Christ and His Church in some capacity.

The first desire was easily accomplished.  After speaking to my parish priest, he arranged, with others, a short time of preparation, and then we all received the Sacrament of Confirmation at St. Mary's Basilica a few weeks later.

As for the second desire, a seminarian, who attended our prayer group, suggested that the Diaconate formation program might be an area of service to consider. I didn't know too much about deacons or what they did in their ministry, but the prayer group to which I belonged brought me in touch with two people who would influence my life deeply. One was an ordained deacon. The other was in formation. I was deeply influenced by Deacon Doug and his wife Marian who were also very active in the Charismatic renewal at the time, and illustrated for me faith in action. Also, I was influenced deeply by Herb and his wife Gert, two very humble and spirit-filled people.  Herb was in the preparation program to become a deacon.  In fact, even before I made the decision to apply to the formation 

program, I had the opportunity to attend Deacon Herb’s ordination and witness his acceptance into diaconate service. It was impressive, to say the least, to see this married family man, with his wife Gert, enthusiastically pledging their lives in service to Christ and the Church. This instilled within me a deep desire to begin the journey that these men had already taken.

A question that came to mind as I pondered this goal was my wife’s reaction to it. Mary Anne was a very faith filled person, however, how would she respond to my desire to enter this public role that would certainly flow over into her life, whether she liked it or not.  Mary Anne, up to this time, had been a quiet witness to all of the changes that were happening to me in respect to my faith. For the most part, she was very pleased that I was taking my faith seriously. She certainly wanted the faith that she loved to be passed to our three sons, and this required the support of both parents. When I mentioned to her my interest in applying for the diaconate formation program, she took it to prayer, and immediately responded by agreeing to support me in this new direction.
 

This response was a confirmation that this area of ministry was a true call, not only for me, but for our whole family. It was something that we would share, and the formation that began shortly after my application certainly did begin the process of solidifying our family relationships. Much healing would result from our participation in the ministries program.

I have often said that Mary Anne and I were the least likely candidates for diaconate formation and ministry, but the gifts that we received as a result of this surrender changed the whole direction of our lives. As with most who have participated in such a program of preparation, what we have received far outweighed anything that we could have given.

Has He Risen In Your Heart

Has He risen in your heart

Have you let Him be free

Do you show Him the lock on your door

Or do you give Him the key.

Song by Joe Fahie from “Don’t Give Up the Ship”

Once we have journeyed forward in life and look back, the path that we have taken becomes quite clear.  The events that make up our life and the fruits that flowed from them can be clearly seen; getting married, having a family, getting a new job, a death of a family member, etc.  Each of these events causes one’s life to turn in a certain direction, often taking on a different perspective.  But as we are going through them, their future impact lies in mystery .  

So on looking back to my late twenties, a time when I was experiencing much confusion and pain, I now see it as a time of tremendous growth.  It was a time of feeling lost, but also a time of remarkable insights.  It was time of uncertainty in respect to the future, but also a time of expanding horizons and new discoveries.  

The lessons that life teaches us is those moments of turmoil are really gateways that lead to something greater.  Perhaps

one of the greatest lessons that I had learned in my late twenties was that I could count on faith to guide me through these gateways.  Faith, as I had discovered, became something real, sustaining, and life giving.  We have nothing to fear from faith.  My upbringing might argue that faith meant not accepting reality, but faith actually takes us to a different level of reality where hope is the dominant attribute.  And with hope, comes joy; joy even in the face of what appears to be trying circumstances.

The cause of my pain and confusion was a problem with love and trust.  And pain and confusion will remain until we begin to travel the road towards greater love and trust.  Even though we may know this in our heads, it will benefit us little until it becomes an experience of the heart.  And this is where the dilemma lies.  How can we begin the journey

towards something as elusive as love and trust when love and trust may be lacking from one’s experience.  The lessons that I had to learn, and that each of us must learn, is that you cannot, not by yourself.  Nothing we can do by our own genius, wit, intellect, or personal effort can bring love and trust to a heart that lacks it, "by ourselves".  Until we face and accept this fact, then the fruits of love and trust will remain elusive, and our efforts will lead only to disappointment. 

The love and trust of which I speak had little to do with how we might normally understand these terms. After all, I had a very loving marriage and family.  The love and trust of which I speak has to do with a respect for oneself, to see oneself and one's life as a valuable gift.  This in turn leads to gratitude, a counting of one's blessings. These special qualities of heart are available to everyone, but many never attain it, or acquire it fully.  The reason for this is that love and trust of which I speak are gifts to be received, not possessions to be earned. They are free for anyone who may want them, but many fail to ask.  This is the human tragedy of our time.  Many fail to ask.  Many do not know how.  How can we discover this “pearl of great price”?

My search not only took me to many fine writers:  It also took me to community.  Since my baptism into the Catholic faith tradition, I attended mass weekly with my family.  Attending mass is one thing, but the experience of being a part of that community of faith is another.  Although at times, I would experience a sense of oneness with those around me, largely I attended mass out of some sense of obligation, not so much to the church itself, but to those within my circle who thought it was important..  I enjoyed the services and the music.  I enjoyed listening to the words of wisdom from the priests who presided over these services, but I was not involved in the community.  I was more like a spectator at a football game.  I watched from the bleachers. 

It was during one of these masses that an invitation was extended to all of us in the congregation to be a part of the religious education program.  Before, this would have passed right over my head.  But this time I heard it, and I said to myself: why not.  When I arrived home, I called the parish to express an interest in becoming a teacher.  

My invitation was accepted without hesitation, and before I knew it, I was meeting with a group of new catechists to be prepared in this role of teaching a Sunday school class.  This time of teaching not only provided a much needed service for our parish church, but also grounded me more firmly in my own understanding of the Catholic faith.  It was after one of these classes, when speaking to one of the other teachers that I learned about the prayer group in our parish that met on Thursday nights.  

For some reason, I was instantly interested.  That next Thursday, I attended my first prayer meeting.  The connection that I experienced with this small group of people began the moment I walked through the door and I discovered a place where I not only felt welcomed but very much at home.  My experience with the people of this small group remains vivid in my memory today even though we have since dispersed and moved off in many different directions.  The songs we sang began to touch my heart as my love for music expanded.  With new found trust, I began to share some of my inmost fears.  I was given the gift of their time, their listening, their attentiveness, and their care.
 

Still I struggled much from isolation and an inability to enter deeply into a sense of relatedness.  This became more obvious as I continued to meet with this group of people who were so open in their faith.  It was as if that still flicker of inner light within me was smoldering  and one little breeze would blow it out.  I experienced this deeply one cold November evening as I sat at this meeting with the others.  

Then one of the other people in the group shared a scripture.  “Let me turn your heart of stone into a heart of flesh so that you may love as I love you.”  It was as if these words were spoken to me personally, and tears welled up in my eyes as I cried out in faith: "Jesus please help me”. 

I cannot possibly explain what happened at that moment.  But it was as if the walls around my heart shattered into a thousand pieces, and I was overwhelmed with a sense of love different from anything I had ever experienced before. It filled me with a joy, and I burst into laughter and proceeded to hug everyone in the room, much to their surprise and mine as well.  

This awakening that I had experienced caused a shift of priorities within.  Things that I thought were so important for my happiness and well-being fell away.  My faith in God, and Jesus’ brotherly love came to the forefront of my life.  These were not things I initiated.  They happened as a result of my asking.  “Seek and you shall find.  Knock and the door will be opened.  Ask and it will be given.”  It was this beginning experience that brought me in touch with the true essence of faith.  

It was now clear to me why the Christian faith took root some two thousand years ago and continued to spread through each successive generation up to this moment of time.  The Holy Spirit was not a fabrication of some mystical writers in ages past.  The Holy Spirit of Pentecost is the same Holy Spirit that continues to transform burdened hearts today.  Unbelievably, I became a recipient of that same Holy Spirit.  

Jesus as Saviour and Healer

Witnessing to Christ often means moving away from our theological language and expression - eg  Jesus died on the cross for you. I like this explanation of Jesus as Savior given by Fr. Laurence Freeman, Spiritual Director for the World Community of Christian Meditation. Enjoy!

For some people, those whom Jesus calls to be disciples, the
experience of His message enters into us and we move to another level of relationship with Him. This is where, you might say, we begin to experience Jesus as Savior. The word Savior means healer. The early Christians spoke of Jesus very often as the Divine Physician.

He heals us of the wounds of sin, of the wounds of our suffering, the wounds of humanity. No one gets very far in life without being wounded, without being hurt, without having their self-esteem damaged or their hope disappointed, or their love rejected, or without the experience of betrayal. Being let down. No one gets very far without being hurt.  And those hurts that life give us can run very deep into our psyche.  And then to deal with those wounds, we often build walls to protect ourselves: ‘This isn’t going to happen to me again. I’m not going to put myself in that position again.’ So we start to get hardened hearts; we start to build up resistance to love, resistance to other people. We become more isolated, less trusting. Then we wonder why we’re sad. This is where we need healing.

For some people, who we could call the disciples of Jesus, the experience of His teaching enters into us and begins to heal us of those wounds. It may be through any number of ways; maybe through scripture, maybe through friends, maybe through an inspired spiritual teacher, maybe through the sacraments. 

Different ways for different people. He gets in in all sorts of different ways. He’ll find a way under the door, even if we’ve locked the door. When we begin to sense that we are feeling better as a result of this relationship with Jesus, we begin to feel more self-acceptance and wholeness. We begin to see how we can relate to other people more lovingly. We’re capable of forgiving the hurts that people have put upon us, and letting them go. We’re capable of more compassion. We’re capable of being more patient with ourselves even though we have lots of problems and lots of faults, but we don’t beat ourselves up all the time.

These are the ways in which we begin to experience the saving and healing work of Jesus. It’s gradual. There may be dramatic moments, but it’s gradual and it is irreversible. It’s not like the pills you take when you’ve got a toothache, a temporary relief of pain. It’s a curing, it’s a healing. 

In the gospels, Jesus is often shown as a miraculous healer, but again, he didn’t want his disciples advertising him as ‘Jesus the miraculous healer’.  He told them not to promote Him like that. In many of those healing stories, He heals by touching; and He still heals us by touching us. There is an interior touch, a spiritual touch which heals when his power comes into us.

As we begin to recognize Jesus in this way, as our Savior, as one who heals in our life, our relationship with Him has moved to a much deeper and more personal and intimate one. He’s no longer just a great spiritual teacher of humanity but we now have a personal, mysterious, experience of Him, and it will be expressed in different ways by different people.

Fr. Laurence Freeman 

Spiritual Director for World Community of Christian Meditation 

Continuing My Early Faith Story

We have each experienced milestones in our lives, events that give rise to radical change in our outlook on life. In my first posting, I shared with you about my early spiritual life and values up to the time I was baptized.  In this posting I would like to continue with my faith story during my early post-baptismal years. 

When I was twenty-seven years old, I remember reading an article in a business magazine called:  “Career Success!  Personal Failure!”  It was an article about the dilemma experienced by many people in business pursuing a career for the purpose of attaining success, recognition, achievement and financial security.  The author of this article pointed out that despite the successes of many people in accomplishing their goals, they nevertheless continued to feel that they were failing.  They continued to carry, within themselves, a sense that something was missing from their lives.  

When I read this article, it related so much to what I was feeling.  Although I was fairly successful with my career, and accomplished many of the things that I set out to do, I was still unhappy and very dissatisfied with myself.  The things that I desired and thought would fulfill both my outer and inner needs were failing me, and left me with this question as to what I might be doing wrong.  Although this was a painful concern at the time, I see now that much good came from this time of trial.  It's only when we feel the pain of the moment that we have the courage to look within ourselves and admit that something is wrong. The pain I felt gave me the courage to begin to look at my beliefs, to examine their source, and then to make the necessary changes that would lead in a more positive direction.  This discernment would eventually change the direction of my life, and lead me into areas not previously imagined.

Growing up farm was a great place to be as a child; however, our family did suffer financially.  My early life witnessed this struggle, particularly with my parents, who worked very hard, but had trouble making ends meet.  Although these were happy years, I did receive a lot of reminders, particularly from my mother, about the importance of education, and pursuing a career, and having a secure job. 

When I finished high school, I approached my career and early working life with a deeply engrained belief that my happiness and well-being depended principally upon what I could accomplish for security.  This was what I believed, and this is what I pursued.  And it really took me by surprise, several years later, to discover that all of those things I was accomplishing did not bring the happiness that I expected.  

In writing this, I am not suggesting that there is anything wrong with success, recognition, achievement or financial security.  Gerald May, in his book “Will and Spirit” stresses that the wholeness we seek is comprised of two needs; our need for meaning and purpose, and the need for belonging and love. 

Meaning and purpose in life will result from moments of success, recognition and achievement.  There is a sense of mission and growth that we experience from our efforts in this area.  However, if our primary focus and attention is only in that area, then we may sub-consciously deny the fact that that we also have as great a need for belonging and love.   Without the fulfillment of this latter need, our lives will feel incomplete on another level.  

In my mid twenties, I did not know this.  I was beginning to discover that, although my efforts were bearing fruit in one way, in other ways they were failing.  The pain of this experience was for me Providence’s way of saying that a change was necessary.  I needed to begin to take the time from my preoccupations with success, and make some shifts that would lead to a feeling of greater wholeness. 

My search brought me too many exciting authors who spoke to me through their books.  The one who had the most impact at me at this young age was John Powell SJ.  His light psychological approach to dealing with relationship issues

appealed to me as I gobbled up his books:  “He Touched Me”, “Why Am I Afraid to Tell You Who I Am”, “Reason to Live Reason to Die”, “The Secret of Staying in Love”, “Fully Human Fully Alive” and the list goes on.  It was through these books that I discovered I had difficulty in loving.  Although I was growing in awareness of the importance of love, and loving relationships, it became increasingly clear to me that what I understood in my head was not as strong in my heart. Inside, I experienced a deep sense of isolation and alienation that kept me at a distance from others. I was functioning well in my working relationship, a good listener to other people’s concerns, but revealed little about myself.  I thought that if anyone knew who I really was inside, (the darkness, fear, and doubt) I would be immediately rejected.  Therefore, it was best to keep such things to myself.  

Fortunately for me, my faith was growing stronger, and I began to turn to God to seek a path that might lead me away from my painful dilemma.